Restless Ramblings

5 ways to turn your pre teens kid to your teenage friend

Teens or Preteens ?

Immediately after stepping into this world, the first bond a child forms with is his or her parents. In a materialistic world, if there is any relationship that has no vested interest is that of a child and the parents. Watching the kid grow into a handsome boy and a pretty girl leaves parents with some beautiful moments to cherish for their entire life. But this path of nurturing a kid is not all rosy, especially, when they step into the so-called “teenage” – a period when the kids are no more kids ( at least this is what they think ) and are certainly not mature adults. This phase can either be a very challenging phase or a cakewalk, depending upon how parents handle it.

There are lots of blogs, articles, videos, and counseling sessions, guiding parents on handling and bonding with teenage kids. They are all around the net, just a click away, and are pretty helpful too. But, have we ever thought about the bonds we form with our kids during their pre-teens. Will handling teenagers be such a big problem, if we laid the foundation of our bonding with them, properly during their preteens? Are we looking forward to that bond during their teens or are we happy controlling them just like most of us were controlled by our parents? Just give it a thought.

As a mother and with my personal experience, I would say handling teenagers is not that big a problem, if we put in a little extra effort to do our homework right ( along with focusing on their homework of course) during their preteens. Though I am not a perfect mother out there, here are few things I had religiously followed.

5 practices that I followed while my kids were in their pre-teens

1. LISTEN TO THE KIDS ! JUST HEAR THEM OUT

Balancing career and personal life is anyways a big challenge for all of us. We ( specifically women) come home tired with the mental load of the day gone by and a load of work waiting for us. Even women who are homemakers, have a lot on their plate to cater to. In midst of all this chaos, we tend to get irritated when the child comes running to us with all his school stories, complaints, questions etc.

But, we need to be patient here and hear them out with complete enthusiasm. Give them a patient hearing. Because if we won’t someone else will. That someone else could be anyone: right, wrong, friend, enemy, well-wisher anyone in the world who hears them out.

Why leave this important piece to someone else. Be that anyone and lend him an ear. This habit will ensure you become their go to person in case of any scenario they have at hand.

2. TALK TO THEM ! ANSWER THEIR QUESTIONS

When they come to you with stories, questions, complaints accept them. Hear them out, acknowledge them, acknowledge the core issue, question or complaint & answer them.

Yes, rather than shying away from certain topics which you may not “Deem Fit “ for them, talk to them on the topic.

We all live in technologically advanced times, where every information is available to kids at one click. If you would not answer, the internet will or their friends will; and believe me, it is not what you would want them to do, considering the vast sea of information available on the net, unfiltered.

Moreover, if they know they can get all answers from you, without being judged or reprimanded, they will not turn to anyone else, neither in their teenage nor after that.

3. DO NOT BE A CONTROL FREAK ! GIVE THEM SPACE

No, I am not asking you to set them completely free without any supervision at this age. Of course, they are too young for that. But come to think of it, even at this age, we hate being controlled, isn’t it? Now imagine kids, in their pre-teens, undergoing physical changes, hormonal changes, trying to adjust in school, looking for acceptance everywhere, what a turmoil they already are in.

The last thing they want is parents, who are trying to control him/her on every little thing. Which friend of yours called just now, why were you talking on the phone for so long, what took you so long in the loo, why is your hairdo not perfect, why are you wearing this dress today? Such little things can tend to irritate kids and they may start maintaining a distance from you. They will stop sharing things with you. They are like sand, the tighter you hold on to them, the quicker they slip out.

So just let them be. Give them space. Some things are to be understood after they experience them. Be there for them, but let them learn on their own. Kids are smarter than we think and they know how to prioritize. All they need is knowing that their parents trust them and they can do wonders.

4. DO NOT COMPARE ! ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE

We all would be lying if we say we have not faced comparisons with our siblings, friends, cousins, their friends, and who not during our childhood. Starting from grades, to passions, to future dreams and aspirations, somehow our parents always found other kids better than us.

Comparison is a big No-No. Accept your child as he/she is. Every soul seeks acceptance. And a child can do wonders if that acceptance comes first from his parents.

Each child is special in his little way. We need to identify that part and motivate him, that is it.

5. TRUST THEM AND LET THEM KNOW YOU TRUST THEM

Tell them we trust you. Tell them we are there for you, not only when you are doing good, but also when you falter. Tell them, we are proud of you, irrespective of what grades you get. Tell them we are proud of the human being you are shaping up as. Believe me, this is magical. When they know you are there, when they know you trust them, they will feel more confident in talking to you, in confiding in you, and in facing life as a whole.

A child who has the trust of his parents, without an iota of doubt, will seek validation from nobody else. Not only would this take him to unfathomable heights in his life, but will also work wonders in your bonding with him.

Your children need you ! They always will…

These were five basic rules I used to swear by as a mother when my kids were in their preteens. I may not have been an ideal parent ( no one can be considering we all are humans and are bound to falter in some areas ), but these little practices have helped me form a beautiful bond with my kids ( who are now teenagers). It has helped generate a comfort level amongst us, owing to which, they now discuss things with me, sometime before even talking to their friends. They know they can come to me with any question without feeling awkward.

Go on, be a friend to your child first and then a parent. They need you the most now. Teenage is a difficult phase for them also to handle. Chip in with your personal experiences and not all good ones, please. Tell them you also had faltered, tell them about your mistakes, your imperfections, your heartbreaks, and your learnings. Accommodate their vulnerabilities and help them conquer them. Help them turn their weaknesses into their strengths and watch them bloom. They just need some time, a patient hearing, and a warm accepting heart. That’s it !!